November 18, 1975

I hide my papers in a new place but can't tell you where or else she might find them. I think someone reads my papers because they smell funny sometimes. I do not write here for a long time because I am not alone anymore the way I was alone before. I use a flashlight Ricky gives me at night so I can write here.

My hair is growing back and she says it's a good thing. It itches my neck and because I scratch behind it so much it turned red. She shakes her head and puts cream there to stop the itch. The last day the doctor came he said there was a way to get rid of my problem down there but she said no. It should stay there. I don't understand what that means. I don't understand anything but what I see inside my head when I close my eyes.

I am writing late at night to tell you of my special day it was today. When I woke up Ricky was standing over me and said she had a party going on later but not to tell her that he said this to me. He doesn't want me to be afraid of all the people I will meet when the party comes. It was a birthday party. I am five years old now. Ricky said another special day is coming to. That we will have a special dinner and celebrate it as a first family holiday. But my family is gone I said and this made Ricky sad. Ricky said that from now on he is my family and he will always be my family no matter what and that he will save me when I feel lost. This made me feel better and I smiled.

There were many people at the birthday party and she had to hold my hand hard and pull me hard against her to keep me from running away and back to my room. Every person looked down at me and then back up at her. They were saying all these words I didn't hear because I had to hide my face into her side. I pressed my face so hard that my nose hurt and she shoved me hard away sometimes and said for me to look. Faces of little boys and girls I have never seen before looked at my face and in some of them I saw things like things I see when I dream at night. My stomach hurt real bad and I got sick. All the people scared me and I wanted to run and hide. Ricky came to me and said he would take me from her. She let go of my hand and when I looked at it it was all red around the wrist and felt like ants were all over me. I could not feel there for a long time.

Ricky showed me boxes by the cake and said they were presents for me but I never opened them when all the people were there because I got sicker. Ricky took me outside and told me to sit down on the grass and wait. The grass felt pricky on my legs. I looked down at the pink and yellow dress she had put me in before the party came and then I threw up all over it. All over myself was throw up. I got so afraid I tried to wipe it off with my hands and then give it to the grass.

My head started to hurt and I looked up at the trees in back of the house. After the throw up my stomach got better so I got up and walked to the trees. I don't know what happened next but when I woke up I was in my bed.

I think I had a dream about being in the trees when I was in the trees. Someone called to me with a name I didn't know. I did not answer and that is when I stopped to remember.

She said the party was over when I was sick and that all the presents could I open them at breakfast. I fell back to sleep.

I only woke up before writing here just to tell you what happened. I do not feel sick anymore. I don't know what happened to the dress.