November 1, 1975

Ricky saved me Halloween candy. When she went to sleep we made a fort in his bedroom with blankets and jacket jerks. That's what Ricky calls the poles to hang his jackets on. I think it's a funny name. We sat under the fort with a flashlight and Ricky told me scary tales when we ate his Halloween candy. It was a fun time.

So I missed nothing. And I don't need to wear a mask to feel like someone else anyway.

October 31 1975

I stayed in bed late. I woke up because the doorbell ringed in my nightmares and when I woke up it was still ringing. Ricky came home early but he had lots of candy in his pillowcase. But now he is crying on his bed because someone with a car killed a dog with no name and Ricky saw them drive away just like that. This makes me sad but I don't cry. Ricky said some people don't cry because then they don't feel sad and it's nicer to just not feel sad. I feel sad. I think it's nicer not to cry then you don't feel any pain.

But I am sad. I am sad for the dog with no name. I told Ricky we can name the dead dog. Then when it gets to Heaven, God will know what to call it.

October 30 1975

I was punished today for hiding my dirty sheet underneath my bed. She came in to my bedroom to make sure I was ready for the teacher and stopped talking because she said she smelled something. Maybe next time I will ask Ricky to help me if I wet my bed again during my sleep.

My punishment is having to stay home at Holloween. She says I can help pass out candy to other children when they come to the door but I can't go out with Ricky or eat any candy in the house that we have. She told me to tell Ricky that I have a stomach ache so that I can't go outside and so he doesn't ask me questions.

This does not make me sad.

October 24 1975

I had another dream last night. I saw my own face in front of me cut in half. One half was my face and the other half was someone else who only looked like me. That half had long hair and darker eyes. And it was very sad. My half was light but turning darker until at the end of my dream the two faces became one face.

I woke up and I had peed myself during my sleep. I didn't tell her because I can clean it up myself.

October 20 1975

I am in my secret hiding place with a flash light that Ricky gave me. I can't tell you where my secret hiding place is because then you will know where to find me when I am in it.

I don't like when the Doctor looks at me. He shakes his head. Today he said I had to take off all my clothes so that he could see what was wrong. Aunt Martha was there too and she was pointing at places of my body and saying words I don't understand to the Doctor. They both smiled a lot but I did not like it. They were with me when Ricky was in school so he doesn't know what goes on here when he is not home.

The Doctor gave Aunt Martha a box with needles in it and another box with a whole lot of small bottles. Inside each bottle is something wet but you can't drink it. They let me stand there naked when they went outside the bedroom door to talk. When they came back in they said I had a problem with my sugar. And that for me to stay better I have to take shots with the bottles and the needles. I got afraid but I didn't cry. Only babys cry. I am not a baby. They told me the name of the wet stuff inside the bottles but I don't know how to spell that word or say it myself so I don't know what to call it. But it is for my sugar to stay up. They said I should not tell anyone because then they would make me feel sick and there is something wrong with me all the time. They asked me if I wanted to be normal and like other boys and girls my age and I said yes. And they said then not to tell anyone about my sugar problem. That it is private.

I got afraid because if Ricky finds out that I have a sugar problem I don't want him to treat me like I am sick and that he can't play with me anymore. So I don't tell Ricky! I don't want Ricky to stop being my friend because he thinks he can get the same problem I have.

And Aunt Martha said noone will ever know because I have my shots where noone can see them. So it is not to worry about. Then when the Doctor was still here she gave me my shot so he could see that she does it the right way. I had to bend over and I feel the shot under my back. The Doctor said when I grow she can do the shot on my leg, under my clothes, and that it is easy that way. Then I can do it myself. Then he said not to worry about my head. That the pills will help me forget the trama and that she did the shot well. And that my hair will grow back to long again.

The Doctor also said that my accident will not be a problem for me when I grow up. That there is something that can be done for it. He always shakes his head and says how awfull how awfull that they messed up on me like that. That I was born like that. I don't understand what he means. But he said tape will only help to cover the problem and that only if I have an operation will everything be fixed. He said big words I don't know what they mean or how to spell them now.

Maybe if I see other girls naked I will know what the problem is. I don't feel like I am a problem. What is wrong with me and why did they keep looking down there and why did the Doctor take my picture.

October 20 1975

Today something happens that I don't like. I get my visit from the Doctor for my body. She says everyone has to let the Doctor look at them naked and make sure they are not sick. I don't feel like I am sick. My body feels fine.

October 15 1975

Aunt Martha keeps talking about Holloween. She says that church doesn't like it but it's a day for children like me and Ricky to pretend we are someone else. And that is fun. I did not say a word when she said that but I already feel like someone else. My practice is good. But I don't like staying in the house with her all day and my teacher is nice but he looks at me funny. Like when I see pictures in my head and I go away for some time and he says I need to stop the day dreaming.

When Ricky comes home sometimes I ask him why I can't go on the bus with him and he doesn't talk right away. He waits and then scratches his head and says he doesn't understand. He says sometimes he wishes he could stay home too. But then he says maybe because I am new and she doesn't want to lose me.

I don't think Ricky knows more than I do. But he's still my friend.

October 13 1975

I have these memories I don't know where they come from. They are like dreams when I am awake. And they make me feel like I am missing something. I know they are pieces of a single time. I just have never been good at puzzles. I don't like not knowing where these pictures come from inside of my head. The last thing I remember is sitting on a boat in the water with another little girl. Does this have something to do with my water dreams I have at night. I don't know. I think so. All I have to do is remember my dreams, and the pictures in my head and put them all together.

Maybe one day I will understand why I don't feel like a real girl.

September 25 1975

She says I have a special teacher coming every day for time with me. I can learn things like Ricky but I have to stay home. Ricky goes on a bus and is not home all day. When he gets home I wake up from my sleep and we play. Sometimes she lets me outside when Ricky plays with his friends but she tells me to stay inside more. I want to play outside and use the boy toys. I like Rickys toys better. She does not smile when I want to play with them. She stays with her mouth closed. And I go to my room. She tells me I can hurt myself if I play with the boys. I don't understand. When she is in her room working Ricky says for me to come to his room and we play games I like better than dolls. I love Ricky. He is my cousin. He is my friend. She lets him be my friend. I don't want to make her mad because I afraid she will make Ricky stop being my friend. I never had a brother and I want Ricky to be my brother. When he called me Angela today I didn't turn around. Then he put his hand on my head and called me silly. He said don't be so sad all the time. Answer me when I say your name so I know you're not sad. She said that I can play anytime I want with Ricky and have snacks just so I let the doctor look at me and the teacher show me what to do.

September 16 1975

I have nightmares that wake me up from sleep. In them I am swimming under water and I can't breathe. Theres just so much there I'm afraid that if I try to come up too soon I'll fall under the top water and start to lose my breath again. I can taste the salt. And when I wake up, my mouth is full of spit that feels like blood. Sometimes my head hurts.

September 15 1975

She tapes it. It itches. And it burns when she peels the tape off. But I'm afraid to say no. She smiles but I think inside she is not happy. I wish she would stop using tape on me. It hurts down there where she told me never to look. But why does she get to look and touch me.

September 13 1975

She gave me paper today. For practice my name. Ricky says he likes having me live here with him. I have to go sleep. These papers are for me. She doesn't see these. Only my name when I show her. This is my diary. And my name is Angela.